And I Prayed.. The Story of Frank

Today I bought a fish. I had been saying for a few weeks that I wanted one and today I was finally able to get one. I didn't expect much "attachment" to this creature because, after all, I equate fish with food. But after the salesperson fought to catch the little guy and put him in a bag for me I looked at him. He was mine. I named him. And just like that, I loved him. Frank Fishington, Frank the fish.

I was so excited. I had all the things for his new home ready. I rinsed out his bowl. I cleaned the little fake plants. I even cleaned the gravel I was going to put on the bottom. I set the water and put the tank conditioner in. All that was left was to put Frank in his new home. As far as I knew, there were two ways to do it. I could either pour him in, or scoop him in with a net. Being afraid to have him out of water at all, I opted to pour him in. Much to my dismay, something was wrong.

I watched him swim and he was only using his front fins.. not his tail. It looked awful to see him struggle to move. I kid you not, I was sad. My little Frank, whom I loved was struggling. Had I done something? Lo and behold, the internet told me that I poured where I should have scooped! No! What had I done?? Only moments before, little Frank was happy and healthy and unhurt but then in ignorance I hurt his little tail. Injuries like that can kill a fish. If he can't get to the surface for food he could die.

I'd only known him a few hours but I already couldn't bear the thought of him dying at my hand, so I prayed. I told God how small a thing it must be to ask for the life of a fish but He knew what that little life meant to me. I asked that he be spared. I ran around frantically trying to find a way to help him and asking people for advice. As I ran around and Frank was left alone I can only imagine him experimenting with his injury... trying to "walk it off" as it were. By the time I came back his tail was no longer droopy and he was indeed using it to swim! He got stronger with each passing minute. He ate the food I'd put in his bowl. I was overjoyed.

What's my point? Simple. What on earth could make me care so much for a fish? Love. Probably a weird type of love, but love nonetheless. I have such a capacity for love that the thought of him dying, especially because I'd hurt him was terrible. I used to limit myself when it came to love. I'd bottle it up and only give it to some, in small doses. But if I have so much love in my heart that it spills out on Frank, one who cannot love me, why am I holding back? Why don't I share my love with everyone? The purpose of love is to be given. So here I am, offering my love to any who will accept it. Yep, she must be crazy. Think about it though... I'm not talking about romantic love necessarily.. I just mean love in general. Why are we so selective of who we give it to? Why do we feel that some people aren't worthy? God is love stupid. And there is NO ONE who is worthy of God, therefore no one is worthy of love. But it is given anyway. So again I say it. I offer my love.. the love God commissions me to share with everyone.

Just as I love Frank though I know he can never love me, so do I love everyone... by God's grace and with his help. Thanks for reading. God bless.

Ps... I REALLY hope Frank Fishington (that's his whole name) doesn't die now o_O.

I Resolve To...

This is a new year.. Yes I'm aware that the first month of the new year has nearly past but whatever.

Every year around this time people take it upon themselves to make resolutions. We resolve to change our behaviour in one way or another in hopes of avoiding our mistakes from the previous year. I am no exception.

Therefore I write this entry to share my resolution with whomever decides to read it.. That way, you can hold me accountable.

My resolution for 2009 is to say what's on my heart.

Here's the thing. I'm quite a loving person. But, many of the people I love have no idea. They don't know the impact their presence has on my life, so this year I resolve to tell them.

There have been too many unspoken words, there have been too many unvoiced thoughts. It's about time I let people know. Those people who catch me looking at them, those people I look out for when I go out, those people I say hi to and hug in passing... I want to tell you that I love you. More than that, I want to tell you why!

I want to remind you of that day when you tried to cheer me when I was down. That day you had a kind word right when I needed to hear it. That day that your smile was enough to make me forget what I'd been through. I want to tell you why I love you.

I don't want to live with the regret of keeping things to myself till it's too late. Because the day will come when I can no longer tell you. I've felt that type of regret. I know how it feels to have someone never know how much you cared, or that you even cared at all... once someone's gone, it's too late. They'll never know.

So if I come up to you and give you a random compliment, now you know why. Even if I punk out by not actually saying it but I sit a little closer to you. Or, you suddenly start seeing me more. Or I hug you a little longer, and a little tighter.. you'll know why. I mean come on, I'm still human.. this new found honesty might take awhile happen with some of you.. but if I don't say it, I'll show it. I'll be more present, I'll listen better, I'll talk more, I'll linger longer.. I promise..

This is the year to tell and show the people I love who they are. And if it results in my becoming a better friend, all the better. I want deeper, more meaningful friendships.

So look out.. because I'm going to find each and every one of you!

Joy

Joy. Pure joy. Is there anything else like it?
I've written about pain
I've written about tears
I've written about love and hate and anger
But what about joy?
Why have I forgotten it?
Is it because I haven't felt it?
Is it because it was avoiding me?
But is that any excuse?
No, I think not
Therefore let me explore this thing called joy.
Let me unfold its layers
Let me experience it's sensations

Stay tuned for a new chapter of Raxxie

MOST [Many] AFROCENTRISTS ON YOUTUBE ARE DUMB

had to post this one.. wow

Help Me

How do you tell your heart not to feel? How do you make it cold? Make it numb? How can you train it not to get attached to someone so wonderful, or rather, someone who it sees as wonderful? How can you make it ignore his concern, his caring, his affection?

How can you get it on the same page as your rational mind? How can you convince it how wrong this is for you? How can you stop it from skipping a beat when he says your name? How can you make it forget how it once longed for him? How can you make it realize how much better off it is now that the attachment has been severed? How can you prevent it from thinking of him again? Remembering how good it felt when he let you in, made you part of his world? When you knew you were thought about, cared about, and possibly longed for? How can you make it forget when you can't forget yourself?!

You remember how your breath caught in your throat when he looked at you. You remember that tingle down your spine when he smiled at you. You remember wondering if it was more than a crush, more than infatuation you felt. Wondering if he felt it too. Looking in his eyes believing he did. Refusing to believe he didn't. Stupid! of course he didn't! He would have told you! He would have shown you! He wouldn't have vanished from your life. He wouldn't have slinked into the shadows! Stupid heart, he never loved you! Love? Are you crazy? Why even say the word?? It sickens me that it'd even be conceptualized. Time to put this foolish thing, this heart, away. It never leads to anything but exhausted misery. It runs headlong into fantasy not fact.. emotion not rationality.. and each time loses a bit of itself... So it's over, I'm done, I'm putting it away...


If I only knew how...

Untitled

"Another child of pen and pad... " - Raxxie

So many things I want to tell you,
But I don’t even have the words
So many chances I’ve had to say them
But still they go unheard

So many hours I’ve contemplated
Whether my silence was a curse
So many times I’ve sat wondering
If I’d only make things worse

So many times I’ve gotten closer
To saying how I feel
So many times you’ve probed me wondering
If it were really real

So many ways to say I love you
But no one way can truly describe
So everyday it kills me slowly
That my love, I’m forced to hide

"...a slave to my pen" - Raxxie

...What if?

What if I told you everything? What if I finally let it out after years of hiding and stepping aside and simply being too dumb to admit it before? What if I told you that it’s grown since then? What if I told you that what’s in my heart has deepened and evolved? What if it’s something so big now that I can’t even define it? Can’t even describe it?

What if I were close to you? What if I looked into your eyes? What if it were as it were but this time around I responded differently? What if I didn’t wimp out? What if I were completely, uninhibitedly honest? What if I bore my soul? What if you found out that I loved you too? What if it were all worth the wait? What if I apologized for not telling you sooner? What if you still loved me?

What if I kissed you? Just out of the blue, what if I did? What if that’s all it took? What if you held me? What if you kissed me back? What if everything changed and all was as it should have been all along? What if all that’s standing between our happily ever after, is one stolen moment alone together?

But, what if I’m too late? What if I missed my chance? What if you’re happy without me? What if you don’t still wonder? What if it’s really over? What if I waited too long to realize it? What if I got my epiphany too late? What if it’s pointless now? *sigh* What if?