My Future

I've been begging and praying for changes in my life for quite sometime now. At the beginning I wasn't ready for the answer to be yes. God had to let me know what I was really asking first, so that I would fully understand what would take place.

Over the course of the following years He's been revealing just that. It's been a ride! An amazing ride. With every step I have felt more and more at peace with my past. There was so much I didn't remember, so much I didn't understand.

Now I know where I come from. I know the causes of all my virtues and flaws alike. I understand why I am the way I am and how not to become what I fear.

So here I stand, at the threshold of my future. All the preparations have been made for me to get what I've always wanted. The pieces are all laid out, waiting for me. I'd given up hope so many times in the past. I'd lowered my standards and deemed myself unworthy of my requests. But now, at the end of it all, I have the potential to get all that I asked for. All that I desired. All that I wept for, and more.

Is it strange that now that it looks like I'll get it all, I hesitate? I'm nervous. I'm not afraid, just nervous. Has my time really come? Will my answer really be yes? Finally? And if so, what comes next?

Hello All

I've been slacking lately when it comes to this blog.. I've lost a follower or two (likely because of this) and needless to say I'm not thrilled!

So, I make a vow to have interesting things to say on a more regular basis from now on. Especially when I leave home and go back to school. I always accomplish more when more when I'm at school.

So yessssss..... tell your friends. =)

Raxxie on friendships

There is something that's been troubling me for awhile now. God has been making me reevaluate my friendships with certain people.. no.. scratch that.. with EVERYONE.

There are people in my life who I've known and loved for years. I've called them my closest friends because I so wanted them to be. The sad thing is that some of them never wanted my friendship the way I wanted theirs. Others were "takers" and would emotionally drain me (I'm a "giver") and leave me with nothing.

These are not friends. I used to believe that letting people go was mean, especially after investing time and effort into the relationship but I heard a sermon that changed my mind. Separating yourself from negative people is a biblical concept. Who knew?

I knew which obvious people to separate myself from. The outrightly exhausting, draining ones. The ones I no longer have the patience or energy to tolerate.

But I had no idea that it would be you. No you. Not the one who I claimed to be so close to. Not the one who knew me through the hardest times in my life. It hurts, but not nearly as much as the realization that you never loved me the way I loved you. You never came to me, not with anything. You hide things from me. You're closed with me. You don't claim me, not anymore. But, did you ever really? I'd do anything for you. But as it turns out, the sentiment isn't shared.

After everything you do to truly be a friend.. the hardest part is letting go. It's been years, far too many to even admit. I want to be one that you consider close to you but I realize now that no matter what I do, I can't force it. So, with a heavy heart, I'm letting it go.

The older I get, the fewer real friends I have. And yet, acquaintances are in great supply.

Explanation

Please forgive the long absence. There have been a lot of things going on with me lately (the last month or so) and I've been behind in my updates. I do see some new followers however and I thank you for joining!

I'll do my best not to disappoint.

Explanation: Round Two

Up and down, back and forth
That's how I must seem
Why does it look like I say
Things I don't mean?

That's not what I wanted
I want to be real
I want to express
What I really feel

I'm not perfect
Though I try to be
I try to hide flaws
Where no one can see

When people get closer
I push them away
I tell them to go
When I want them to stay

And that's what I did
But I still want you near
This must sound like an excuse
You may not want to hear

But bear with me
I've been through a lot
I'm a work in progress
And its harder than I thought

And it scares me
That I want to let you in
If you give me a chance
I won't do it again

We'll start as friends
And then see it through
Clean slate
We'll just call it "round two"

Hmm...

I just realized something...

Every time I act out of fear (inactivity counts as action as well) I hurt someone. I either hurt myself, or someone else or both.

So what's my obvious conclusion? No more fear! I will use all that's in me to act as my heart tells me. I won't let fear dictate my actions! This I state before all who read this and before God (with His help of course).

-Raxxie

And I Prayed.. The Story of Frank

Today I bought a fish. I had been saying for a few weeks that I wanted one and today I was finally able to get one. I didn't expect much "attachment" to this creature because, after all, I equate fish with food. But after the salesperson fought to catch the little guy and put him in a bag for me I looked at him. He was mine. I named him. And just like that, I loved him. Frank Fishington, Frank the fish.

I was so excited. I had all the things for his new home ready. I rinsed out his bowl. I cleaned the little fake plants. I even cleaned the gravel I was going to put on the bottom. I set the water and put the tank conditioner in. All that was left was to put Frank in his new home. As far as I knew, there were two ways to do it. I could either pour him in, or scoop him in with a net. Being afraid to have him out of water at all, I opted to pour him in. Much to my dismay, something was wrong.

I watched him swim and he was only using his front fins.. not his tail. It looked awful to see him struggle to move. I kid you not, I was sad. My little Frank, whom I loved was struggling. Had I done something? Lo and behold, the internet told me that I poured where I should have scooped! No! What had I done?? Only moments before, little Frank was happy and healthy and unhurt but then in ignorance I hurt his little tail. Injuries like that can kill a fish. If he can't get to the surface for food he could die.

I'd only known him a few hours but I already couldn't bear the thought of him dying at my hand, so I prayed. I told God how small a thing it must be to ask for the life of a fish but He knew what that little life meant to me. I asked that he be spared. I ran around frantically trying to find a way to help him and asking people for advice. As I ran around and Frank was left alone I can only imagine him experimenting with his injury... trying to "walk it off" as it were. By the time I came back his tail was no longer droopy and he was indeed using it to swim! He got stronger with each passing minute. He ate the food I'd put in his bowl. I was overjoyed.

What's my point? Simple. What on earth could make me care so much for a fish? Love. Probably a weird type of love, but love nonetheless. I have such a capacity for love that the thought of him dying, especially because I'd hurt him was terrible. I used to limit myself when it came to love. I'd bottle it up and only give it to some, in small doses. But if I have so much love in my heart that it spills out on Frank, one who cannot love me, why am I holding back? Why don't I share my love with everyone? The purpose of love is to be given. So here I am, offering my love to any who will accept it. Yep, she must be crazy. Think about it though... I'm not talking about romantic love necessarily.. I just mean love in general. Why are we so selective of who we give it to? Why do we feel that some people aren't worthy? God is love stupid. And there is NO ONE who is worthy of God, therefore no one is worthy of love. But it is given anyway. So again I say it. I offer my love.. the love God commissions me to share with everyone.

Just as I love Frank though I know he can never love me, so do I love everyone... by God's grace and with his help. Thanks for reading. God bless.

Ps... I REALLY hope Frank Fishington (that's his whole name) doesn't die now o_O.

I Resolve To...

This is a new year.. Yes I'm aware that the first month of the new year has nearly past but whatever.

Every year around this time people take it upon themselves to make resolutions. We resolve to change our behaviour in one way or another in hopes of avoiding our mistakes from the previous year. I am no exception.

Therefore I write this entry to share my resolution with whomever decides to read it.. That way, you can hold me accountable.

My resolution for 2009 is to say what's on my heart.

Here's the thing. I'm quite a loving person. But, many of the people I love have no idea. They don't know the impact their presence has on my life, so this year I resolve to tell them.

There have been too many unspoken words, there have been too many unvoiced thoughts. It's about time I let people know. Those people who catch me looking at them, those people I look out for when I go out, those people I say hi to and hug in passing... I want to tell you that I love you. More than that, I want to tell you why!

I want to remind you of that day when you tried to cheer me when I was down. That day you had a kind word right when I needed to hear it. That day that your smile was enough to make me forget what I'd been through. I want to tell you why I love you.

I don't want to live with the regret of keeping things to myself till it's too late. Because the day will come when I can no longer tell you. I've felt that type of regret. I know how it feels to have someone never know how much you cared, or that you even cared at all... once someone's gone, it's too late. They'll never know.

So if I come up to you and give you a random compliment, now you know why. Even if I punk out by not actually saying it but I sit a little closer to you. Or, you suddenly start seeing me more. Or I hug you a little longer, and a little tighter.. you'll know why. I mean come on, I'm still human.. this new found honesty might take awhile happen with some of you.. but if I don't say it, I'll show it. I'll be more present, I'll listen better, I'll talk more, I'll linger longer.. I promise..

This is the year to tell and show the people I love who they are. And if it results in my becoming a better friend, all the better. I want deeper, more meaningful friendships.

So look out.. because I'm going to find each and every one of you!

Joy

Joy. Pure joy. Is there anything else like it?
I've written about pain
I've written about tears
I've written about love and hate and anger
But what about joy?
Why have I forgotten it?
Is it because I haven't felt it?
Is it because it was avoiding me?
But is that any excuse?
No, I think not
Therefore let me explore this thing called joy.
Let me unfold its layers
Let me experience it's sensations

Stay tuned for a new chapter of Raxxie

...What if?

What if I told you everything? What if I finally let it out after years of hiding and stepping aside and simply being too dumb to admit it before? What if I told you that it’s grown since then? What if I told you that what’s in my heart has deepened and evolved? What if it’s something so big now that I can’t even define it? Can’t even describe it?

What if I were close to you? What if I looked into your eyes? What if it were as it were but this time around I responded differently? What if I didn’t wimp out? What if I were completely, uninhibitedly honest? What if I bore my soul? What if you found out that I loved you too? What if it were all worth the wait? What if I apologized for not telling you sooner? What if you still loved me?

What if I kissed you? Just out of the blue, what if I did? What if that’s all it took? What if you held me? What if you kissed me back? What if everything changed and all was as it should have been all along? What if all that’s standing between our happily ever after, is one stolen moment alone together?

But, what if I’m too late? What if I missed my chance? What if you’re happy without me? What if you don’t still wonder? What if it’s really over? What if I waited too long to realize it? What if I got my epiphany too late? What if it’s pointless now? *sigh* What if?

Raxxie 4.0

As I Rant...

Let's get personal for a minute y'all. See, I've had one or two things on my mind lately. This is one though that I want to get off my chest and I think this is the perfect place to say it. Anyone who wants to read it can, without it being directed to anyone in particular.

For those of you who don't know, I am different. I'm unlike anyone else you've ever encountered, dated, spoken to, and the list goes on. I don't think like the typical woman (if there is such a thing). I don't act like her, I don't speak like her, I don't relate to others like her, I don't present myself the way she does. I don't play her games, I don't use her tricks, I don't accept what she accepts, I don't reject what she rejects. Period. I am not her.

See, I know that lots of women claim to be different from other women but considering how annoyed I am with the ways of the typical woman I can guarantee that I am not her. In fact, I loath her. She sends a bad message to men about the rest of us. Gold-digging, dominating, loud, manipulative, moody, temperamental, superficial, confused, and confusing. That's how they see us because of her.

What frustrates me however is that because I am an obvious member of the female race it is automatically assumed that I can be treated like the typical woman and that's cool. Nuh uh homie.

I hate games. Don't play 'em. I hate lines. Don't say 'em. If I say no, there's a reason. If I say wait, it's for a season. Don't need a papi homie, I'm grown. If I show no interest, leave me alone. If you ignore me, I'll let you go. I don't beg attention, just so you know. When I love, I love deep. So I got no patience for men who creep. Moving forward I aim high. Get on my level or don't apply. It ain't that hard to be with me. Just go deeper than what you see. Those who love me, are those who know me. If you want me, then baby show me. I can leave you wanting more, just leave the B.S at the door. I won't put up with it my dear. The average woman isn't here.

I'm just sick of the B.S y'all. You don't need a show and fanfare. You don't need a hot car. You don't need to buy me a damn thing. All you gotta do is be sincere and be you. If you're not real with me, I will find you out. There's no escaping it. Treat me how you want me to treat you. To mess up (past a certain point) is to miss out. I won't fight you. You don't have to want me but damn, if you do don't screw around. Cuz if it's over, it' over. I don't backtrack. I learn my lesson and move on. Now I'm just venting.. geez. If you want me, act like it. If you don't then DON'T! I cannot stress this enough. ARGH.. lemmy stop.. cuz this has the potential to go on for an eternity and a half.

Peace

Black is Beautiful

Simply Me

Hello world, allow me to introduce myself. Raxxie is what I'm affectionately called. It was a name given to me by my father. So now that the introductions have been covered we can get into my reason for being here. Put simply, I love to write. I am a writer by nature. The only thing I've done longer than writing is singing which is the other love of my life. The third and most important is my relationship with Christ which I'll address at some point.

Basically I want to share myself with the world, as it were, and so this blog shall be my outlet. Here is where everything will be shared in a way that can be related to. You'll see what I mean in time. So here I am, for you to see. Transparant to the world, my thoughts and feelings through my pen; the mightiest of all weapons.