King Midas

I dub thee King Midas
For it all turns to gold
When graced by your touch
What a sight to behold
His presence astounds me
His countenance, grand
Beauty overflows
At every move of his hand
He is not boastful
Neither flaunty nor proud
Yet in modest perfection
He can silence a crowd
He pours forth his talent
Oh so lavishly
And I become precious
When he touches me
Each pluck is a symphony
Every brushstroke, masterpiece
And each scratch of his pen
Brings us both to our knees
No uncertainty surrounds him
Every action, tried and true
And he calls me Queen Midas
Because, he is gold too
My King, yes my Midas
You turn me to gold
When graced by your touch
I'm your sight to behold

My Future

I've been begging and praying for changes in my life for quite sometime now. At the beginning I wasn't ready for the answer to be yes. God had to let me know what I was really asking first, so that I would fully understand what would take place.

Over the course of the following years He's been revealing just that. It's been a ride! An amazing ride. With every step I have felt more and more at peace with my past. There was so much I didn't remember, so much I didn't understand.

Now I know where I come from. I know the causes of all my virtues and flaws alike. I understand why I am the way I am and how not to become what I fear.

So here I stand, at the threshold of my future. All the preparations have been made for me to get what I've always wanted. The pieces are all laid out, waiting for me. I'd given up hope so many times in the past. I'd lowered my standards and deemed myself unworthy of my requests. But now, at the end of it all, I have the potential to get all that I asked for. All that I desired. All that I wept for, and more.

Is it strange that now that it looks like I'll get it all, I hesitate? I'm nervous. I'm not afraid, just nervous. Has my time really come? Will my answer really be yes? Finally? And if so, what comes next?

To: The Ladies of YouTube

and everyone else for that matter

Random Raxxie Facts: Volume 2

I get more accomplished when more is expected from me. If ever I find myself in a high pressure situation where I have many tasks to accomplish in a very short period of time.. that's where I shine. Weird huh?

I work infinitely better under sick amounts of pressure. Strange? Yes! Unhealthy? Likely! Stupid? Without a doubt! Do I care? Not so much.. It works, and who am I to mess with a good thing?

Hello All

I've been slacking lately when it comes to this blog.. I've lost a follower or two (likely because of this) and needless to say I'm not thrilled!

So, I make a vow to have interesting things to say on a more regular basis from now on. Especially when I leave home and go back to school. I always accomplish more when more when I'm at school.

So yessssss..... tell your friends. =)

MJ and My Silence

I've been relatively silent on the topic of MJ and his passing. Cyberspace has been clogged, it seems, with updates and condolences...

I am a HUGE MJ fan! I adored the man. But everything that could be said, has been said. I mourned his passing as many others did.

My interest now is to see how the world on a whole will react to his death. How will he be remembered? How will his estate be divided? What will happen to his children? To his debts? To his record sales?

We shall see...

Michael Jackson Has Died (06-25-2009)

so sad...

Forgive Me Father

Forgive me Father, I have sinned.
Forgive me for not letting you in.
Forgive me for forgetting again,
All the times you helped me win.

Forgive me Father, I was weak
Your tender mercies I now seek
I'm listening Father to hear you speak
My flesh is willing, my spirit meek

Forgive me Father, I let go
I'm helpless alone, I know
The enemy dealt me a vicious blow
So now I crawl back, bowed low

Forgive me Father, forgive me please
I come to you on bended knees
I don't deserve it but I see
You died for me on that tree

Now I have life freely
I can live abundantly
In the shadow of your grace, me
My Lord, my one and only!

Raxxie on friendships

There is something that's been troubling me for awhile now. God has been making me reevaluate my friendships with certain people.. no.. scratch that.. with EVERYONE.

There are people in my life who I've known and loved for years. I've called them my closest friends because I so wanted them to be. The sad thing is that some of them never wanted my friendship the way I wanted theirs. Others were "takers" and would emotionally drain me (I'm a "giver") and leave me with nothing.

These are not friends. I used to believe that letting people go was mean, especially after investing time and effort into the relationship but I heard a sermon that changed my mind. Separating yourself from negative people is a biblical concept. Who knew?

I knew which obvious people to separate myself from. The outrightly exhausting, draining ones. The ones I no longer have the patience or energy to tolerate.

But I had no idea that it would be you. No you. Not the one who I claimed to be so close to. Not the one who knew me through the hardest times in my life. It hurts, but not nearly as much as the realization that you never loved me the way I loved you. You never came to me, not with anything. You hide things from me. You're closed with me. You don't claim me, not anymore. But, did you ever really? I'd do anything for you. But as it turns out, the sentiment isn't shared.

After everything you do to truly be a friend.. the hardest part is letting go. It's been years, far too many to even admit. I want to be one that you consider close to you but I realize now that no matter what I do, I can't force it. So, with a heavy heart, I'm letting it go.

The older I get, the fewer real friends I have. And yet, acquaintances are in great supply.

Explanation

Please forgive the long absence. There have been a lot of things going on with me lately (the last month or so) and I've been behind in my updates. I do see some new followers however and I thank you for joining!

I'll do my best not to disappoint.

Explanation: Round Two

Up and down, back and forth
That's how I must seem
Why does it look like I say
Things I don't mean?

That's not what I wanted
I want to be real
I want to express
What I really feel

I'm not perfect
Though I try to be
I try to hide flaws
Where no one can see

When people get closer
I push them away
I tell them to go
When I want them to stay

And that's what I did
But I still want you near
This must sound like an excuse
You may not want to hear

But bear with me
I've been through a lot
I'm a work in progress
And its harder than I thought

And it scares me
That I want to let you in
If you give me a chance
I won't do it again

We'll start as friends
And then see it through
Clean slate
We'll just call it "round two"

What Is He Thinking? : Part II

So, what is he thinking?
I could just ask
But then I'd have to get over my past
And shelf my mask
Hmmm... what a task..
Alright fine, mask aside

Will you show me yours
If I show you mine?

Which Way To Go...

There's a place I wanna get to, but I don't know the way. It's a wonderful place though, that's what people say. I'm packed and ready to leave here today, and go. So, does anyone know the way to go?

I'm told when you get there, joy fills your soul. The wonder and majesty is such a sight to behold, with gardens and rivers and beauty untold. So, does anyone know which way to go?

What place is this place, what is its name? This place is called love, nowhere's quite the same. It's a place to go back to again and again but first you must find it. So, does anyone know which way to go?

I've been there before but I've been there alone. It's not quite so lovely when there on your own. I wish someone told me then I would've known. Its dark there when its just you, you spin in circles not knowing what to do. You fret and wonder if "love" is really true. Because alone it's not much fun. Then when you hear its name you're tempted to run, run away from the feeling before its begun, again. Again, yes it happens again, the pain because you can't refrain not once you've been there. Yepp, you go back again. So, does anyone know which way to go?

See, I haven't been there in awhile. It's been quite some time since it stole my smile. And hey, I've forgotten the way, but I pray that starting today I can say, Now! Now is my time. I'll find my way without dollar or dime. Trusting God will provide, I'll rely on Him cuz He's on my side, come high or low tide. Someone'll meet me there. God'll send someone who cares. Someone to share my time with.
So, does anyone know which way to go?

What's in a name?

What's in a name? For a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. At least that's how the saying goes.. and I for one see the truth in it.

Because you, by any other name, would still make me smile, make me shiver, make me sigh.

You'd still make me laugh, make me wonder, make me dream.

You'd still build me up, hold me close, take my breath away.

You'd still stroke my hair, hold my hands, kiss my lips.

You'd still be my friend, my love, my all.

You'd still make me praise God for you, count each day as a blessing, wish each moment would never end.

You'd still stimulate my mind, stimulate my body, stimulate my soul.

You'd still make me want you, make me need you, make me love you.

You'd still seek me, pursue me, find me.

You'd still push me, encourage me, support me.

You'd still love me, cherish me, never let me go... because even nameless you'd still be you!

So I dedicate this to you.. my rose by any other name.

My Girl Jazmine...

I love this girl! Her songs are so real. The emotions are so raw and on the surface.

She does however ask an interesting question. Why do we love, love when love seems to hate us?

I think I have an answer to that question, to some degree. It's in our nature to seek love. Why? Because it's worth it, supposedly.

As skeptical and cynical as we may be on the subject.. innately we believe that it's worth it in the end. So we seek. In our seeking we (usually) get burned more often than not which is discouraging to say the least. But still we seek.

I am not familiar with the merit of seeking love as I am yet to experience the search being worth it, but I am told that it is. If even for a brief moment in time, the knowledge that you are free to love and be loved is worth it, according to my sources.

I've been in love before, but I've been there alone.. but that's a poem for a different date.

Random Raxxie Facts: Volume 1

Parts of my personality are decidedly male...

1. I can easily use up my daily quotient of spoken words before evening and thus am left with no desire to converse further. Because of this fact, I say "Uh Huh" a lot but contribute little to the conversation. I also am nowhere to be found, as to escape from other women who want nothing more than to talk about random crap!

2. Because of number 1 it is very easy to determine why I have such a deep loathing for the telephone. If I talk to you on the phone for more than a minute (at most) then either you are doing most of the talking or I REALLY LIKE YOU!

What Is He Thinking?

What is he thinking?
What's on his mind?
These questions I've pondered
Quite a few times.

What is he feeling?
Is he happy or sad?
What has he been through?
What experiences has he had?

Where does he come from?
Where will he go?
Then the question hits me
Why do I want to know?

I never wondered before
Why now of all times?
Why is he suddenly
Present in my mind?

Why do I ponder
On what lies within?
Why do things constantly
Remind me of him?

Why is it so easy to
Look in his direction?
Why do I suddenly
Look for his attention?

I don't have any answers
At least not today
So why doesn't that bother me?
Why is that OK?

Maybe it's 'cause I'm older
Old enough to realize,
Things happen as they're meant to
I can take my time to answer, "why?"

Looking Ahead..

You can't know where you're going till you know where you've been..

Sound familiar? I'm sure it does. It's a very common proverb. I had always thought of it in the context of knowing one's history as a people. I never thought of it in a personal way.

Lately I've been happy with my life. I have nothing to complain about other than my habitual lack of sleep. Even that though, is a good thing. It means I have things to do again. I'm productive (in theory anyway). So I am content. I'm satisfied. And I haven't written. Why not? Because all my best writing to this point has come from a tortured mind. When I'm frustrated poetry flows.. when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm agonizing over an event, those are my times of brilliance. So what happens when I'm satisfied? I don't know.

Satisfaction is still relatively new to me, at least the type of complete satisfaction I'm experiencing now. So how will I fix it? I've been reading.. reading the things I wrote in my past. I've found a spark in my reading. I can feel my passion being rekindled. It isn't quite to the point where I'm on the verge of a masterpiece but I can feel that all too familiar flame being re-lit in my soul. And I'm happy.

Why am I sharing this? I don't really know. I think I just needed to get my thoughts flowing. That, and I just read a friend's poem and feel inspired to share my own thoughts. Anyway.. that's all for now.

-Raxxie

Hmm...

I just realized something...

Every time I act out of fear (inactivity counts as action as well) I hurt someone. I either hurt myself, or someone else or both.

So what's my obvious conclusion? No more fear! I will use all that's in me to act as my heart tells me. I won't let fear dictate my actions! This I state before all who read this and before God (with His help of course).

-Raxxie

And I Prayed.. The Story of Frank

Today I bought a fish. I had been saying for a few weeks that I wanted one and today I was finally able to get one. I didn't expect much "attachment" to this creature because, after all, I equate fish with food. But after the salesperson fought to catch the little guy and put him in a bag for me I looked at him. He was mine. I named him. And just like that, I loved him. Frank Fishington, Frank the fish.

I was so excited. I had all the things for his new home ready. I rinsed out his bowl. I cleaned the little fake plants. I even cleaned the gravel I was going to put on the bottom. I set the water and put the tank conditioner in. All that was left was to put Frank in his new home. As far as I knew, there were two ways to do it. I could either pour him in, or scoop him in with a net. Being afraid to have him out of water at all, I opted to pour him in. Much to my dismay, something was wrong.

I watched him swim and he was only using his front fins.. not his tail. It looked awful to see him struggle to move. I kid you not, I was sad. My little Frank, whom I loved was struggling. Had I done something? Lo and behold, the internet told me that I poured where I should have scooped! No! What had I done?? Only moments before, little Frank was happy and healthy and unhurt but then in ignorance I hurt his little tail. Injuries like that can kill a fish. If he can't get to the surface for food he could die.

I'd only known him a few hours but I already couldn't bear the thought of him dying at my hand, so I prayed. I told God how small a thing it must be to ask for the life of a fish but He knew what that little life meant to me. I asked that he be spared. I ran around frantically trying to find a way to help him and asking people for advice. As I ran around and Frank was left alone I can only imagine him experimenting with his injury... trying to "walk it off" as it were. By the time I came back his tail was no longer droopy and he was indeed using it to swim! He got stronger with each passing minute. He ate the food I'd put in his bowl. I was overjoyed.

What's my point? Simple. What on earth could make me care so much for a fish? Love. Probably a weird type of love, but love nonetheless. I have such a capacity for love that the thought of him dying, especially because I'd hurt him was terrible. I used to limit myself when it came to love. I'd bottle it up and only give it to some, in small doses. But if I have so much love in my heart that it spills out on Frank, one who cannot love me, why am I holding back? Why don't I share my love with everyone? The purpose of love is to be given. So here I am, offering my love to any who will accept it. Yep, she must be crazy. Think about it though... I'm not talking about romantic love necessarily.. I just mean love in general. Why are we so selective of who we give it to? Why do we feel that some people aren't worthy? God is love stupid. And there is NO ONE who is worthy of God, therefore no one is worthy of love. But it is given anyway. So again I say it. I offer my love.. the love God commissions me to share with everyone.

Just as I love Frank though I know he can never love me, so do I love everyone... by God's grace and with his help. Thanks for reading. God bless.

Ps... I REALLY hope Frank Fishington (that's his whole name) doesn't die now o_O.

I Resolve To...

This is a new year.. Yes I'm aware that the first month of the new year has nearly past but whatever.

Every year around this time people take it upon themselves to make resolutions. We resolve to change our behaviour in one way or another in hopes of avoiding our mistakes from the previous year. I am no exception.

Therefore I write this entry to share my resolution with whomever decides to read it.. That way, you can hold me accountable.

My resolution for 2009 is to say what's on my heart.

Here's the thing. I'm quite a loving person. But, many of the people I love have no idea. They don't know the impact their presence has on my life, so this year I resolve to tell them.

There have been too many unspoken words, there have been too many unvoiced thoughts. It's about time I let people know. Those people who catch me looking at them, those people I look out for when I go out, those people I say hi to and hug in passing... I want to tell you that I love you. More than that, I want to tell you why!

I want to remind you of that day when you tried to cheer me when I was down. That day you had a kind word right when I needed to hear it. That day that your smile was enough to make me forget what I'd been through. I want to tell you why I love you.

I don't want to live with the regret of keeping things to myself till it's too late. Because the day will come when I can no longer tell you. I've felt that type of regret. I know how it feels to have someone never know how much you cared, or that you even cared at all... once someone's gone, it's too late. They'll never know.

So if I come up to you and give you a random compliment, now you know why. Even if I punk out by not actually saying it but I sit a little closer to you. Or, you suddenly start seeing me more. Or I hug you a little longer, and a little tighter.. you'll know why. I mean come on, I'm still human.. this new found honesty might take awhile happen with some of you.. but if I don't say it, I'll show it. I'll be more present, I'll listen better, I'll talk more, I'll linger longer.. I promise..

This is the year to tell and show the people I love who they are. And if it results in my becoming a better friend, all the better. I want deeper, more meaningful friendships.

So look out.. because I'm going to find each and every one of you!

Joy

Joy. Pure joy. Is there anything else like it?
I've written about pain
I've written about tears
I've written about love and hate and anger
But what about joy?
Why have I forgotten it?
Is it because I haven't felt it?
Is it because it was avoiding me?
But is that any excuse?
No, I think not
Therefore let me explore this thing called joy.
Let me unfold its layers
Let me experience it's sensations

Stay tuned for a new chapter of Raxxie