Help Me

How do you tell your heart not to feel? How do you make it cold? Make it numb? How can you train it not to get attached to someone so wonderful, or rather, someone who it sees as wonderful? How can you make it ignore his concern, his caring, his affection?

How can you get it on the same page as your rational mind? How can you convince it how wrong this is for you? How can you stop it from skipping a beat when he says your name? How can you make it forget how it once longed for him? How can you make it realize how much better off it is now that the attachment has been severed? How can you prevent it from thinking of him again? Remembering how good it felt when he let you in, made you part of his world? When you knew you were thought about, cared about, and possibly longed for? How can you make it forget when you can't forget yourself?!

You remember how your breath caught in your throat when he looked at you. You remember that tingle down your spine when he smiled at you. You remember wondering if it was more than a crush, more than infatuation you felt. Wondering if he felt it too. Looking in his eyes believing he did. Refusing to believe he didn't. Stupid! of course he didn't! He would have told you! He would have shown you! He wouldn't have vanished from your life. He wouldn't have slinked into the shadows! Stupid heart, he never loved you! Love? Are you crazy? Why even say the word?? It sickens me that it'd even be conceptualized. Time to put this foolish thing, this heart, away. It never leads to anything but exhausted misery. It runs headlong into fantasy not fact.. emotion not rationality.. and each time loses a bit of itself... So it's over, I'm done, I'm putting it away...


If I only knew how...

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"Another child of pen and pad... " - Raxxie

So many things I want to tell you,
But I don’t even have the words
So many chances I’ve had to say them
But still they go unheard

So many hours I’ve contemplated
Whether my silence was a curse
So many times I’ve sat wondering
If I’d only make things worse

So many times I’ve gotten closer
To saying how I feel
So many times you’ve probed me wondering
If it were really real

So many ways to say I love you
But no one way can truly describe
So everyday it kills me slowly
That my love, I’m forced to hide

"...a slave to my pen" - Raxxie

...What if?

What if I told you everything? What if I finally let it out after years of hiding and stepping aside and simply being too dumb to admit it before? What if I told you that it’s grown since then? What if I told you that what’s in my heart has deepened and evolved? What if it’s something so big now that I can’t even define it? Can’t even describe it?

What if I were close to you? What if I looked into your eyes? What if it were as it were but this time around I responded differently? What if I didn’t wimp out? What if I were completely, uninhibitedly honest? What if I bore my soul? What if you found out that I loved you too? What if it were all worth the wait? What if I apologized for not telling you sooner? What if you still loved me?

What if I kissed you? Just out of the blue, what if I did? What if that’s all it took? What if you held me? What if you kissed me back? What if everything changed and all was as it should have been all along? What if all that’s standing between our happily ever after, is one stolen moment alone together?

But, what if I’m too late? What if I missed my chance? What if you’re happy without me? What if you don’t still wonder? What if it’s really over? What if I waited too long to realize it? What if I got my epiphany too late? What if it’s pointless now? *sigh* What if?